In a letter I wrote to myself we live impractically I can barely keep my thoughts straight through this empty cup of coffee And I'm working overtime but I'm not sure it's in me For money I'm not sure I want That I'm not sure I need And these nights are getting to me Sleepless uncertainty Of who I'm going home with And where I'm gonna be In the morning In the morning Bloody tissues bloody sinuses I'm wearing myself down I'm living on my own now different streets and different towns And my window sill is a lost and found Full of hair ties and lost clothes Whatever comes around In a letter I wrote to myself Full of advice that never helps These nights are getting to me Sleepless uncertainty Of who I'm going home with And where I'm gonna be In the morning In the morning And by the afternoon I hate what's behind my eyes And how I'm always running from something half my size I let it get me every time In a letter I wrote to myself we live impractically I can barely keep my thoughts straight through this empty cup of coffee And I'm working overtime but I'm not sure it's in me For money I'm not sure I want

Everything I said was the wrong thing You think that I'm not listening Everything I say feels like losing You think that I am amusing You think I'm trying to save you I think I'm trying to save face You think that I think I'm perfect I think that you think I'm useless I can't blame you Or entertain you I'm disconnected You're disconcerted I can't blame you for not walking away Or entertain that we both wanted to stay I'm disconnected from the thoughts in your head You're disconcerted and from the things left unsaid (stylophone solo) You burned a fire in the backyard You lit an effigy for everyone You burned a fire in the backyard You lit an effigy for everybody everybody everybody everybody You burned a fire in the backyard You lit an effigy for everyone You burned a fire in the backyard You lit an effigy for everybody everybody I can't blame you Or entertain you I'm disconnected You're disconcerted I can't blame you for not walking away Or entertain that we both wanted to stay I'm disconnected from the thoughts in your head You're disconcerted and from the things left unsaid You burned a fire in the backyard You burned a fire in the backyard I can’t blame you for not walking away I’ll entertain that we both wanted to stay

I was replaying conversations in my head Rehearsed apologies I didn't have to give I was reliving all the bad stuff that you said Rereading messages I didn't have to send You've been screaming in your sleep You've been having those bad dreams I look the wrong way when I try to cross the street Rereading messages I didn't have to keep You showed me all your scars And I know how you'll die Doesn't matter what I say Doesn't matter that I tried Is it enough? Can I be happy Is it enough? Try not to hate the things you love Is it enough? Can I be happy Is it enough? Try not to hate the things you love I always thought I'd be normal I always thought I'd be I'd be a normal person Always thought I'd be social That I'd fit in and be loved and feel good about it But instead I'm stressed and feel like a misshapen puzzle piece I always thought I'd be normal I always thought I'd be I'd be a normal person Always thought I'd be social That I'd fit in and be loved and feel good about it But instead I'm stressed and feel like a misshapen puzzle piece I was replaying conversations in my head Rehearsed apologies I didn't have to give I was reliving all the bad stuff that you said Rereading messages I didn't have to send I was replaying conversations in my head Rehearsed apologies I didn't have to give I was reliving all the bad stuff that you said Rereading messages I didn't have to send You think I'm trying to save you I think I'm trying to save face You think that I think I'm perfect I think that you think I'm useless

Eyes meet smiles and small talk and questions And there’s no thought to the motivation you’ll need down the road You start by gambling nights then weeks and months And like a serious poker match it gets more serious Like lifetimes and I don’t know shit I didn’t want this But there was a wanting When I hadn’t wanted for anything And there are long hairs in my clothes And pillows that smell like you for days And there’s a dopamine release in my brain that I can’t stop chasing And it’s crazy how long I can last off of that I haven’t figured out lasting Lasting and leaving Neither appealing I get back to the lasting The last thing I keep are the mornings I lose the nights and the days It’s the price for love It’s the price for being loved

When I was 18 I said what What wasn’t for me Because of Because of your habits I’m cautious Now I’m more anxious Sleepless At 23 there’s more that I can see I have guilty blood on guilty hands And darkened eyes, my restless mind I don’t always have the courage to say I love you I get scared I’ll fuck it up If it’s not you or me, then it must be me And I was wrong when I was 18 It’s different now at 23 A xanax and a shower, I’ll feel better in an hour I am a resource: a limited thing. Sometimes, just a paycheck, a song at a Christmas party But sometimes I’m more I move with freedom and purpose I mask my tired eyes I talk to every stranger I meet I see the light in every place For a while I run away, for a while I run away Again like a child I love everyone I know, and everything is new I love everyone I miss I only miss what I remember I remember what I want to Because when I get back it’s all waiting for me and the freedom and purpose are as far away as they ever were It’s always the truth this time.